


He Thought

by Derpy505



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Overdosing, Suicide Attempt, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26403853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Derpy505/pseuds/Derpy505
Summary: Why was known workaholic Alexander Hamilton frequently missing classes? Well, Thomas Jefferson is about to find out. He started to care about his self proclaimed enemy just in time.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton & Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson
Comments: 9
Kudos: 137





	He Thought

**Author's Note:**

> Please heed the tags and enjoy! (Please ignore the shit summary).
> 
> I know I'm in the middle of writing another story, but I thought I would write this really quickly for Suicide Prevention Month. 
> 
> If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or tendencies, please reach out to someone. You're not alone, you're valuable. The world can't afford to lose a gem like you. 
> 
> https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Now, Thomas Jefferson did not care about Alexander Hamilton. Anyone could tell you that. So he felt absolutely no concern when the obnoxious immigrant didn't show up to classes. He really wasn't, honestly. 

Hamilton was known to overwork and push himself to the point that he was weeks ahead on work. After pushing himself to the limit, he would crash. So it really wasn't uncommon for him to skip a day every few weeks, A day. Just one.

That one missed day soon turned into two, then three, and eventually five. Hamilton had missed an entire school week. And it was driving Jefferson mad. Not seeing his self proclaimed rival had put him in a funk. There was really no other way to put it.

For an entire week there we no debates or petty insults, no getting yelled at by their professor. There was nothing. Washington's class became dull, quiet, and unrecognizable. It seemed like there was en entire wall missing from the classroom. Who knew a 5'5 college student could such a momentous impact?

"Even _I'm_ starting to get worried." Thomas heard John Adams say as the bell rang. 

Class had officially started, and no Hamilton in sight. By now, one would think one of Hamilton's friends would investigate. However, they were all conveniently out of town. 

Laurens needed to fly back to South Carolina for some family emergency. The Schuylers were upstate visiting their grandparents. Mulligan went as Lafayette's date to some wedding in France. And Burr.. well nobody knows where he goes. He's just gone sometimes. 

"James I'm going insane here," Thomas seethed. 

"This is a bit worrisome," James concluded. "You don't suppose this has something to do with what Lafayette told you?"

"Which part?" Thomas drawled. "His self destructive personality, or his tendency to have a complete and utter mental shut down?" He scoffed. "Honestly I don't know why Lafayette felt the need to share that with me. I hardly know the little shit outside of class."

James rolled his eyes. "He _told_ you that for this very occasion. Hamilton hasn't been seen for days, and his friends are out of town." He paused, then sighed. "Come on, you owe Lafayette to at least check on him," he urged. "I know you two aren't the.. closest of acquaintances, but if even _Adams_ is worried, you should be the least bit concerned. Even Washington looks like he's about to go mad."

Thomas knew James had a point, he just wished he didn't. Lafayette's a great friend, and Thomas owed him countless favors. So when he asked Thomas if he could keep an eye on Hamilton if there was nobody else to do so, he could do nothing except reluctantly agree. Despite his agreement, he had been pretty shit at the job so far. 

And even though he refuses to admit it to himself, Thomas worries when his rival practically drags himself into class looking like he got hit by a bus. Honestly, any sane person could take one look at Hamilton and decide to drag him to either a hospital or mental institution. Both of which Hamilton was deathly afraid of. How did Thomas know that? Courtesy of Lafayette. 

"Fine," Thomas huffed. "I'll check on Hamilton. For Lafayette's sake." 

The conversation ended there, as they both needed to pay attention in class. Though, there was significantly less to pay attention to that usual. 

As the dismissal bell rang, Thomas gathered his things and promptly made his way to Hamilton's dorm. He had been there once, to drop something off for Lafayette who was spending the night. Hamilton did not have a roommate, they simply never showed up. Eventually rooms became overcrowded with three people to one dorm. Everyone simply refused to dorm with Hamilton. Thomas couldn't exactly blame them.

"Hamilton?" He barked, knocking on the door.

No answer.

"Hamilton?" He tried again.

Still no answer. 

With slight hesitation, Thomas gripped the door knob and was rather surprised to find it unlocked. Pushing the door open, he walked into the dorm room and his eyes had to adjust to the darkness of the room. He pulled out his phone and turned the flashlight on, hoping to find the room's flashlight. 

With only the flashlight to aide him, Thomas walked around the room rather aimlessly, sliding his free hands along the walls, in hopes of finding the flashlight. Once he found it, his eyes were forced to adjust to the sudden change in lighting. The light bulb shone so bright, one would think it was brand new, or hardly used. Once Thomas's eyes adjusted, he was met with the sight of Hamilton passed out on his bed. The small dorm was a mess. It really was a miracle that Thomas hadn't stepped on anything in his search for the light switch. 

"Hamilton?" He called, softly this time. Once again, no answer. Not even a flinch from the sleeping man. He must have really been down for the count.

Thomas surveyed the chaos that Hamilton called his dorm. Papers were littered everywhere across the floor. What was meant to be his absent roommate's bed was turned into some sort of table. If the various school supplies covering it were anything to go by. His eyes landed on Hamilton's nightstand. More specifically a prescription bottle. An empty prescription bottle.

Now, he knew it was none of his business what kind of medication Hamilton took, but Thomas's curiosity always seemed to get the better of him. He picked up the bottle and examined the paper label. It seemed to be some common brand antidepressant, a pretty high dosage too. The instructions said to take one a day. Thomas set the bottle down and picked up the paper bag that was laid next to it. 

He assumed that it was the bag the prescription came in, if the huge pharmacy logo plastered on the front was anything to go by. Continuing to be nosy, he read the information on the bag. The prescription pick up was yesterday, and a lot of the same information that was presented on the paper label. 

Wait a minute. Yesterday? Hamilton had only picked up these pills yesterday and the bottle was already empty? Realization struck Thomas like a lightning bolt. Hamilton had overdosed. Or at least tried.

With his head clouded with panic, Thomas threw himself to Hamilton's side and quickly checked for a pulse. The relief he felt when he found one couldn't be put into words. It was faint and weak, but it was there. Hamilton was alive, his heart was still beating. 

He tried shaking Hamilton awake, to no avail. Shifting Hamilton to where he was face up, Thomas pinched the sleeping man's nose and covered his mouth. After a minute passed, Hamilton was forced awake with a choked gasp bubbling from his chest. Thomas drew his hands away from his face as the immigrant tried to get air into his lungs.

As Hamilton tried desperately to regain his breath, Thomas glanced around the room and his eyes landed on an overflowing trash can. He dumped the trash onto the floor and put the can near the foot of the bed. 

Hamilton couldn't get a word out before he was dragged off his bed, and his head was positioned over the trash can. 

"Jefferson what are yo-"

"Throw them up, Alexander. I'm not about shoving my hand down your throat."

"No, I-"

"You do this or I'm dragging your ass to a hospital right now and calling all of your friends back in town."

Hamilton sighed shakily and began gagging into the trash can. He vomited into the trash can and a broken sob followed. He tried to pull away from his own vomit, but Thomas kept a firm grip on his hair, keeping him positioned over the can. 

"More," Thomas demanded. "You need to get those drugs out of you." 

Hamilton heaved again and spilled more of his stomach. They stayed like that for what seemed like hours. Hamilton vomiting into the trash can, his tears joining the mess in said trash can. Thomas switched from gripping Hamilton's hair tightly, to running his fingers through it gently.

Eventually, all Hamilton could do was dry heave into the trash can. He simply couldn't throw up anymore. 

"I can't anymore," Hamilton sobbed, throat dry and body aching. 

"Alright," Thomas sighed. "Here's what's gonna happen. I'm going to-"

"Why haven't you called triple zero?" Hamilton mumbled through his sobs. 

"Lafayette told me you're deathly afraid of hospitals, ambulances, and all of that," Thomas said. "Now, how long ago did you take all those pills?"

Hamilton wiped at his tears. "I dunno"

"Okay. Okay, that's okay," Thomas whispered mostly to himself. "You need to stay awake for me okay?"

Hamilton nodded.

"You're going to call your psychiatrist, therapist, or whatever, and tell them what you did."

"How did you know I see a psychiatrist?"

"Well, you can't just waltz into a pharmacy and be handed antidepressants. They need to be prescribed to you," Thomas explained, handing Hamilton his phone.

Hamilton reluctantly dialed a number, while Thomas moved the trash can to some corner of the room. He then moved to clean the floor of all clutter, trying his best not to listen in on Hamilton's phone call.

Once he had all of the papers on the floor collected, he placed them in the 'table' which was really a vacant bed. He decided that nothing else should go in the trashcan for a while. Also, he had no idea if any of these papers were of value. 

Thomas turned when he felt a tap on his shoulder. 

"Why are you here?" Hamilton mumbled, handing Thomas his phone. 

Thomas took it and set it aside next to the stack of papers. "It's almost been a week since anyone has seen you. You had everyone worried. Surprisingly even Adams."

"You're here because you worried about me?" Hamilton asked, disbelievingly. 

"Yes. I'm glad I came to check on you, Alexander," Thomas confessed. "God, what were you thinking? I know damn well you've been through too much, and you have so much ahead of you. This world has more in store for you. You are worth so much more than a bottle of pills." 

"I'm sorry," Alexander whispered. "I'm sorry, I-I didn't want to, but I did. Oh my god I did it. I never thought I would get this bad," he sniffed. 

"Do you- I mean- have you hurt yourself?"

"I was doing so well," Alexander confessed softly. "I was almost six months clean.. and then.. and then everyone left. There was no one for me to talk to, no one to check up on me, no one around that cared about me. The silence was so overwhelming. And then I couldn't find the strength to go to class, and this is the first time I've ever been behind on work," Alexander cried. 

Thomas opened his eyes as an invitation. Alexander fell into them immediately. Thomas gently brought them to the ground, and there they sat. Curled up together on the floor of Hamilton's dorm, the smell of vomit in the air, 

Thomas let Alexander cry into his shoulder, rubbing his back all the while. Once Thomas's coat was sufficiently soaked with tears, Hamilton eventually pulled away from the embrace. 

"Alexander," Thomas started, quietly. "Do you want to die?" 

Alexander took a moment to think about it. He did, right? Otherwise why would he try to commit suicide? He thought about his future, he was so close to starting his law career. On a full ride scholarship, and on track for graduation. He didn't want to give up. He's come so far from where he started, he wants the world to know his name.

He thought about John. His closest friend and self proclaimed partner in crime. The first one to ever know about Alexander's depression. John was the one who convinced him to go see a psychiatrist, and he went with Alexander to almost every appointment.

He thought about the Schuylers. Eliza was so kind and gentle. She was most definitely the easiest to talk to about anything and everything. Angelica was a terrifying force to be reckoned with. She would fight tooth and nail to protect the people she cared about, and Alexander happened to be one of those people. Peggy was a ball of energy, and her happiness seemed to ooze out and affect everyone around her. The youngest sister knew how to put a smile on anyone's face.

He thought about Lafayette and Hercules. The mom friends to end all mom friends. They fret after Alexander like he's a newborn deer. Even though it could get a bit tedious, Alexander appreciated it more than he'd like to admit. They always made Alexander feel loved and cared for.

He, rather reluctantly, thought about Aaron. His first friend. Although any conversations they had were rather short, he seemed to understand Alexander with perfect clarity. He seemed to anticipate when Alexander was going to have a sluggish day, if the unprompted cups of coffee waiting on his desk in the mornings were anything to go by.

"No," Alexander concluded. "I don't want to die." 

"That's good. I'm so glad, Alexander."

"Oh, so its Alexander now, is it?" He tried to regain some of their usual dynamic. 

Thomas scoffed. "Well I would like to assume we're on a first name basis at this point."

"I suppose," Alexander mused. 

"Do you want to call one of your friends?"

"No, I don't want to worry them. I'll tell them once they all get back in town." 

"Alright, but you're making it sound like you're not worth worrying about. And I don't want to hear anymore of that self degrading talk," Thomas said rather seriously. "Anyways, did you talk with your psychiatrist?"

"Yeah, I have an appointment with her next week. It was her closest available time." 

"Good." Thomas sat up and dusted off his jeans. "It smells gross in here, so lets go eat something." He offered Alexander a hand, which was accepted gratefully.

"Where are we going?" Alexander asked, following Thomas out of the dorm. 

"My dorm," Thomas answered simply. "I think I have some leftover pizza."

“James. Though, he mostly stays at his apartment off campus. I doubt he'll be there.” 

Madison had an apartment off campus? Well, it shouldn't surprise Alexander too much. Only a handful of students that attended Kings College were scholarship kids. Most students had their tuition paid in full, with money that was not their own. Alexander usually hates kids that live off their parents money, but Thomas was shaping out to be alright. 

“So, the only reason you came to check on me was because you were _worried_?” Hamilton asked again. 

“Yes, I do reluctantly admit I was getting a bit worried. I also owe Laf countless favors.” Thomas opened the door to his dorm room. 

“Wow, it's so clean in here,” Alexander marveled. 

“I guess,” Thomas laughed. “I think my laptop is on my bed, put a movie on or something. I'll heat up some pizza.”

Thomas moved to the mini fridge kept in his dorm, it was a miracle he could fit a pizza box in it. Well, he probably didn't need to keep the entire box, there were only a few slices left. He heated them up in the microwave, and then brought them over along with a glass of water to Alexander. 

Alexander distractedly took a slice from Thomas, too engrossed in the movie he put on. So they sat together, munching on day old pizza, watching Lilo & Stitch. 

About halfway into the movie, Thomas felt a heavy weight fall back onto his chest. 

“Alexander.” Thomas shook him awake. “You can't fall asleep for a while, okay?” 

“Mm.. too sleepy,” Alexander mumbled, not moving away from Thomas. 

“Please? You won't go to a hospital, and I don't know how any of this is supposed to work. But I just think you shouldn't sleep right now,” Thomas pleaded, shifting Alexander so they were facing each other. “What if you don't wake up?” He whispered. 

“Aw you care about me,” Alexander tiredly teased. 

“We already established that,” He reminded softly. “I care about you. Too much to watch you go too early.” Thomas tucked a strand of Alexander’s hair behind his ear, then moved to cup his cheek.

Alexander leaned into the touch. “Okay I'll try to stay awake.” 

They returned to watching the movie, but Alexander wasn't really paying attention. 

He thought about Thomas. His tough and battered exterior, compared to his soft and gentle interior. Alexander never thought he would be grateful for Thomas Jefferson's company. Not once did he overwhelm Alexander. Really, he was impressed with how well he handled the situation of his former enemy on the verge of an overdose. He never thought that Thomas Jefferson would save his life. 

“Hey Thomas?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Will you come with me to my appointment next week?” 

“Of course,” Thomas answered with so much sincerity. 

Alexander turned around quickly so he was facing Thomas. The two stared at each other for a minute until the silence was broken. 

“Thank you. For everything today,” Alexander murmured, pressing a soft kiss to Thomas’ lips. 

He turned back towards the laptop and nestled himself against Thomas’ chest, not bothering to see his reaction. 

He thought the arms tightening around him securely was a pretty good sign.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, this could have been better. I could have made this at least 5,000 words longer, but I was too lazy. The relationship in this story was rather underdeveloped, and for that I apologize. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave comments and kudos, I always appreciate them! 
> 
> And maybe give my other writings a chance? :)


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